radiumgirl: (kobra kid)
[personal profile] radiumgirl
 Once upon a time, I was a concave human being.

I wasn't always concave. It took alot of work to get there. I am not one of the fortunate few (Jared Padalecki, I'm looking at you, and envying your metabolism) who was birthed into the world with any sort of genetic "gifts." My mother's family is full of round people and my father's family is full of short people and together, they make a Radium Girl, which is, at heart, a rather slothful creature who enjoys donuts and lattes and binge drinking. Her default shape is akin to that of a Snooki. 

But oh, for one brief, shining period of about two years during undergrad, I was concave. I spent hours at the gym, everyday. I only ate green things. I didn't drink. My arms were toned. My ass was cute. And I could see my hipbones, which I named Frenchie and Rizzo. 
I bought a black string bikini, the first bikini I had owned since I was three. It's still shoved in my bottom drawer. I stubbornly refuse to throw it out because I have a dream that someday, I will be able to poke Frenchie and Rizzo again. 
I feel like that time has come. On Thursday, I went dress-shopping with Chrissy in the South Side for the wedding I'm going to in a few weeks. We're big H & M fans. The last time we were there, I saw a dress that I wanted for the wedding. I kept it in mind, and when I had the money, we went back. On Thursday. It was lacy and yellow with a cinched waist. I grabbed another dress as a back-up plan, red and ruffled and sleeveless. I skipped merrily to the dressing room. 
I grabbed size 12 because that's usually what I wear. I couldn't get either of them over my boobs. 
I went back and grabbed another red dress, in 14. I got it over my boobs, wiggled as I tried to get the hem over my hips. 
No dice. 
I tried stepping into the dress. 
I double checked the tag.  Maybe I had a dyslexic moment? I mean, how could a 14 not fit? Even at my most Snooki-esque, a 14 was fine. 

I didn't misread the tag. I went back to the floor and looked for a 16. There wasn't one. I asked an attendant if they carried any of their dresses in 16. She said, "Our sizes only go up to 14 in dresses and large in casual."
So, what you're saying is that I'm very close to being unable to shop here. For dresses, at least. In casual-wear, I'm still firmly entrenched in sizes medium and 10. And Chrissy, noting my panic, immediately pointed out, "Hey, dresses are weird. Don't worry about it."
But I did worry about it. I remember how easy getting dressed was back in my concave days. Everything fit. Everything looked good. There was no agonizing in front of the mirror for twenty minutes over every little lump and bump. 
I got stopped in the mall once, when I was concave. I was just walking past the food court, minding my own business. I was just wearing jeans and flip-flops and a blue and white striped baby-tee. I was around size 4 at this time. A boy randomly came up to me, college-age (music major, I later found out), and stopped me. 
"I just wanted to say that you're stunning."
I, of course, was completely like WTF, "Thank you?"
"This is weird. I'm sorry. I just...I just wanted to tell you that."
"Oh. Wow." I managed to grin like an idiot, "Thank you!"
We actually traded phone numbers (this was before Owen) and went on a few dates before it fizzled out. He had family issues. I was just coming out of an exceptionally bad relationship. We stopped things before they got bad and parted ways amicably and I still smile when I think of our strange little first encounter at the mall. 

Two months later, Owen slid into the seat in front of mine in the Adventureland break room and said, "Its so refreshing to see a beautiful girl reading something more intelligent than Cosmo in here," and the rest is history. 
Now, Owen doesn't say much about the 20 pounds I've packed on since that day in the break room. For one thing, he's gained some weight too. He's realized it though. He recently had to get one of his suits re-tailored and he's freaking out, but putting that anxiety to good use. He's been jogging and hitting the weight room and he joined an ultimate frisbee league in Kalamazoo. Whenever I make disparaging comments about my own weight, he's always quick to say "You're still pretty."
But the dress-shopping fiasco was my final straw.  I've already cut back on my binge drinking, and drinking in general. I'm proud of that. It was definitely a big problem. In a way, it still is. Everyday, on the way home from work, I have to make a conscious effort not to go to the liquor store. Every week, when I do Happy Hour with Chrissy, I have to make an effort not to have more than two or three beers. 
My willpower is constantly getting a workout. 
And its about to get worse. 
Now it's time to tackle everything else. I don't have the time to just jog for hours and hours and hours anymore. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do it, honestly. I also hate jogging outside, but I don't have a treadmill, or gym membership, so I don't have much choice. But I'll suck it up. I'll figure it out. I'll make this work. 
Later, kids. 

Date: May 7th, 2011 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonfly-sg1.livejournal.com
Once again, *falls to knees* I want an Ooooooweeeen!!!!!

*composes self*

Anyhoo, I feel your struggle. *hugs* Though, I think the only time I was a size 4 was when I came out of the womb. Still, like you I'm super determined to get into shape.

I've been biking (trying to train to complete the 17mile trail from Cville to OP), jogging (trying to get ready to race a 5K by the end of summer for Fandom 5K) and doing the "Shred." I know what you're thinking. The pounds should be falling off. Well, I am def toning, and the pounds WOULD be falling off quicker if I haven't been eating like a pig. haha. Yesterday I did finally get some healthy snackage.

Seriously though, I know a lot of people don't like her, but Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred is all you'll likely need. (And it's only 10 bucks) After learning the proper ways to torture myself, I just mute her now and blast some music. When I was doing it at least 3x a week and eating right the pounds did just fall off.

Good luck!

Date: May 7th, 2011 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
I was such a scrawny kid...and then I hit puberty and it was alllll down hill. You can look at my school pictures between 4th and 5th grade and it's such a marked difference: greasy hair, pizza face, chub. *cries* Haha.

Toning is good! Honestly, I think I'd be okay with being a "thick" girl as long as I could stop being a "jiggly" girl.

I looked into the Shred! It sounds like something I can get behind. I even made a Wal-Mart run and picked up a copy! XD

Good luck with your 5K!

Date: May 8th, 2011 12:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonfly-sg1.livejournal.com
Thank you!! It won't be for a few months yet, so I'm sure you'll get the chance to hear me whine about me achin muscles.

Yay! Good luck to you! The first time I tried it, I only made it about 7 minutes in.

And I nearly died.

I can complete the entire first level now and with much less cursing. \O/ I really like how just when you think you're about to implode a lung you switch exercises. The 20 mins go by very quickly. Painfully some days, but quickly.

The one thing I cannot stand about the dvd is that they won't let you skip to the menu. So usually I turn the dvd on, then go get ready and change.

Let me know how it goes! We can have a Shred support group. *snort*

Date: May 9th, 2011 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
I really like how just when you think you're about to implode a lung you switch exercise.

THIS! I started it tonight and got through level 1 with only one brief, shining, moment where I legitimately thought I was going to hurl (at about the seven minute mark, actually), but I noticed the quick change from one move to another and I think it really helped me maintain good form and enthusiasm and effort and stuff because even when we did stuff that I hate, the knowledge that it was only for thirty seconds made me really really REALLY happy.

Date: May 9th, 2011 12:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonfly-sg1.livejournal.com
"...with only one brief, shining, moment where I legitimately thought I was going to hurl (at about the seven minute mark, actually)"

*laughs* Yay for pushing through and not hurling! *high fives*

"...even when we did stuff that I hate, the knowledge that it was only for thirty seconds made me really really REALLY happy."


OMG, I HATE those side lunges with arms raises. HATE.

Date: May 7th, 2011 02:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorarabbit.livejournal.com
I'm sure you still look great, M. I haven't seen a recent picture of you, but yeah. It's good to be healthier though. I haven't had any alcohol since New Years Eve.

I know what you mean about the metabolism thing... I used to have a great one. Now I have a beer gut. And I'm not allowed to bitch about it because people make fun of me, saying I'm still skinny. Stupid narrow-minded people.

So I approve of your resolution for moderation. But the one thing I cannot approve of, dear, is your useage of the S word. "Snooki" is a naughty, naughty word. Bad girl. :P

Date: May 7th, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
I feel so bad for New Jersey right now. Lol. Between Jersey Shore and Jerseylicious. *facepalm* People who know that I'm actually from Jersey mock me for that shit, and I'm like, "It's not really like that, I swear."

I tell people that the stuff you see on Jersey Shore and Jerseylicious is the stuff you would see if you took a camera down to the trailer park outside of town. >.>

Date: May 7th, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raindropfloss.livejournal.com
You know, that's actually pretty inspiring though that you were once a size four. And I think that's great. I also think it's great that you want to lose weight again, but I'm also certain that you are still pretty, so you know, don't worry too much.

Date: May 7th, 2011 11:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
Aww. Thank you.

I feel like I was a 4 for like, ten minutes. Lol. I have one pair of jeans left in that size that I occasionally pull out and look at and wonder how that was even possible.

Date: May 7th, 2011 04:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mishaphappens.livejournal.com
You know what we need? A little motivation. Like...a challenge or something. Like Get Shit Done but Losing Weight Now. Wouldn't that be awesome if there was a place to check in and say, "YEAH, I WORKED OUT TODAY. :D" and people would cheerlead you for it?

Date: May 7th, 2011 11:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
DUDE. That would be AWESOME.

Date: May 8th, 2011 12:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonfly-sg1.livejournal.com
Pssst. Sorry to hijack, but there is! I was told about it awhile ago. I just remembered and join to check it out.

And of course, if you wanted to run/walk a 5K and be cheered on. http://fandom5k.livejournal.com/profile

Date: May 9th, 2011 02:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
Health Hunters looks like a good place! I think I'll probably join up. Thanks for the referral! *smishes*

Date: May 9th, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonfly-sg1.livejournal.com
YUP! *hugs back*

Date: May 11th, 2011 11:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] si-star-x.livejournal.com
I wanted to avoid this post because I hate talking about weight, I diet really well for months, lose a lot and then somehow something comes up like a holiday or birthday and it all goes down the drain and back to square one. Hopefully when I start my job I will be so stressed and never have time to eat. That's my plan. ;-)

Did you get a dress in the end? <3

Date: May 11th, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] radiumgirl.livejournal.com
I eventually found a dress! It's dark blue silk, knee-length, with silk flowers on one shoulder.

Date: May 11th, 2011 10:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] si-star-x.livejournal.com
Oh, awesome. ;D

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